Trust and Validation on an Uncharted Path
The only way to walk down an unlit path is with the confidence you will make it to the other side.
Beginning of the Pandemic, Year 2020, and the onset of my development as a professional medium.
In 2019 after quitting my crushing corporate retouching job in Philadelphia, I gathered my performance work & poetry and decided to do what any desperately thirsting artist does and applied to graduate schools. My performance work and poetry barely managed to fit presentably into an institutional commodity, yet I could not see any other roads to take in front of me. I applied to two schools:
Bard: because of their interdisciplinary structure and UVA: because the poetry program provided a stipend and close proximity to the Division of Perceptual Studies, the consciousness based direction my soul was calling.
In the photograph above it shows me freelance retouching in our tiny “temporary” apartment that had no insulation or air conditioning. What was supposed to be a 6 month lease turned into 2 years of quarantine, and this is precisely around the time I found out I was rejected from both graduate programs. The rejection and absolute freedom of time that the pandemic provided me, spurred me into a cathartic rebuttal of producing my own poetry, tarot and performance workshops. The classes, artists and work that was created in these containers is unforgettable to me now. I wouldn’t know it until later, but the act of freely pursuing my dreams outside of institutional validation gave me the confidence to accept my soul’s deeper purpose - as a psychic medium.
I always had a spiritual practice and I could see auras, but until then it was reserved for word-of-mouth candlelit tarot readings, scouring over Jodorowky books, and learning to meditate before an altar of crystals. In the stillness of the pandemic, my mind kept returning to an experience I had the summer before:
I walked into a village shop after soaking in the local hot springs and overwhelmingly felt the presence of a man in spirit - not knowing how or why, I asked him (in my mind) to have his recipient say the word, "rose" - if I was truly meant to deliver his message. As I was checking out with my bar of sandalwood soap to my amazement, the shop keeper clearly spoke to me, "Sandalwood is lovely! But do you know what my favorite scent is?
Rose."
In the midst of shock and a kind of other wordly propulsion, right then and there I clumsily delivered my first mediumship reading.
I will never forget the walk that I told my husband I believed I was a medium, and wanted to invest in a mentor to explore it. I was embarrassed and nervous, the mentorship would cost $300 which at the time was almost half of our rent. The class consisted of being paired with others and delivering readings with zero instruction. The mentorship didn’t last - but the validation from my readings was enough to change the meaning of my life.
I began meditating for hours, delivering practice readings to anyone who would sign up, and wrote down all the details of evidence from my readings that came through in a journal - it was a way to process that I was a medium & proof to me that our consciousness survives death.
June 2021, Messages for Heidi
The next three years I spent developing my mediumship ability with several more renowned mediumship mentors, workshops and classes - as well as working with a therapist through the challenge of accepting it. There were many times I found myself in the depths of self doubt - questioning my ability, competence and worthiness to do this work for grieving people. There was a part of me that was desperate for external validation among the confusion of learning and refining this ability. There was also a part of me that held shame for claiming this vocation among our societal culture’s perception of the utmost taboo. In the beginning I would sometimes misinterpret something in a reading or was not confident in delivering all the messages I received. I didn’t grasp that being a strong medium meant taking care of myself. I would push myself to do readings when I was exhausted or even sick. If I felt I didn’t deliver more than 100% to my client’s expectations, I would be emotionally devastated. Often I’d drive around moonlit nights in tears, demanding god to always bestow perfection in my readings or I’d threaten to never do this work again. I was so nervous before every session - ‘Would their loved ones show up this time? What if I’m wrong? What if I could not bring through exactly what they wanted to hear?’ The stakes were insurmountably high. If I failed, I felt the potential for my client to believe that their departed loved ones are with truly with them might evaporate forever.
And yet, I did continue forward. I gave readings throughout my first pregnancy - then once my baby was born, I put her to bed and at 8 pm tiptoed upstairs to our office to give readings while my husband would watch the monitor. Each reading presents me with the gift of witnessing a miracle. I have the honor of getting to know what love feels like bursting out in all directions. I meet people through their hearts and the beauty of their individual consciousness. I can fathom no greater mystery to have the privilege to witness. In my sessions I feel I get to touch a wisp of peace found only in eternity. I hold the opportunity to provide comfort to those who know loss, as I too know what it’s like to reach out for that comfort in the darkness.
“Extinguish my eyes, I'll go on seeing you.
Seal my ears, I'll go on hearing you.
And without feet I can make my way to you,
without a mouth I can swear your name.
Break off my arms, I'll take hold of you
with my heart as with a hand.
Stop my heart, and my brain will start to beat.
And if you consume my brain with fire,
I'll feel you burn in every drop of my blood.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke
This path has offered me many chances to run, to be defeated - but I recognize this part of me as a creative act that must continue to be expressed or I might wither away and become unrecognizable. Whatever dream makes you feel recognizable to your self you must fervently pursue. Even on unsure footing, the only way to walk down an unlit path is with the confidence you will make it to the other side. If you were to stop in the middle, paralyzed by doubts - you might never be seen again.
Even still, after many years of dedication I see myself at the very base of the mountain - ahead an uncharted mount to climb. I gain strength only from actively practicing my mediumship - and in return am rewarded with validations that could only be provided by taking genuine risk.
In this recent session, this client’s father filled my ears with ticking sounds and kept pointing to the watch on his wrist. What I did not know, is that she had his watch behind her computer screen during our session. This message will stay with me and deeply moved me. We are being heard and we are not alone.
My intention in sharing this aspect of my journey as a medium, is to validate anyone who feels defeated when following their dreams and vocations. Often the path is filled with a dark uncertainty. The fruits of our work can feel sparse in the beginning and there will always be competing conditions. Yet there is nothing that can connect us to being alive, like being seen for our true selves. Know that validation will not come from the thoughts and judgements of others, but in the expression of your love as you deliver to us your gifts.